SECRET HORROR

The thing about being depressed, or an addict,

or having any other kind of mental or emotional maladie.

It doesn’t change the way you look to people,

and so they have no way of knowing,

and you have no way of communicating that with them,

until it’s too late.

My name is David, I recently stopped drinking

for the first time in 14 years.

Awhile ago I was diagnosed with unipolar depression,

or major depression.

Agoraphobia, panic disorder.

It’s easy to be skeptical of these things, but it made the

most sense to listen.

These were concurrent problems.

I drank a lot, all the time,

because it was the only thing that made me feel better.

And that is not a sustainable life decision.

I was not gonna have much of a future if I continued to do that, so.

Nobody wants to believe that their behaviour is a product of a chemical imbalance.

When I’m making a film, or I’m making art, in any form really,

that is the only time I feel comfortable,

and as if I’m not being threatened by something.

Like, it’s the only time that what I care about, what I really love,

won’t be taken from me.

Because I’m in complete control of it.

And that’s….

it’s…it’s home to me.

Friends and family, that’s very important.

But this is….this is what keeps me going.

Very important.

I would put pillows on the ground next to my bed.

I don’t know how long I have had what is described as unipolar depression,

but I can tell you I’ve been taking medication for it for four years.

And it doesn’t help anything. I mean like, it doesn’t make me happy,

but it makes me functional.

And when I’m functional I can make art,

and when I make art I feel better.